How to Save Your Relationship
Things You’ll Need:
self control
committment
willingness to do what it takes to succeed, even if you no longer feel like it
Step 1 First, you need to know why your relationship is in need of saving. The details will vary from couple to couple, but it is absolutely certain that one or more of the following is happening:
1. Your needs aren't being met well enough
2. Your partner's needs aren't being met well enough
3. The needs of the RELATIONSHIP aren't being met
Step 2 YOUR NEEDS: You need to speak up and ask for what you need, but it is essential that you do this with complete respect for your partner. S/He does not HAVE to give you what you need. S/He can decide not to meet your needs, and no amount of badgering will change this decision. You cannot force someone to care.
1. Calmly and lovingly explain what you need
2. If you are a woman speaking to your man, don't assume that he understands all the subtleties you are leaving out - say exactly what you mean!
3. Ask for specific action. In other words, instead of saying, "I'm lonely," try saying, "I'm lonely. Would you please come straight home from work tonight?"
If you are making your requests as true REQUESTS, and not demands, you will be much more likely to get a positive response. If you find that your partner doesn't respond to your requests, try making more of an effort to meet his/her needs first. People are much more willing to take care of someone who they feel is taking good care of them first.
Step 3 YOUR PARTNER'S NEEDS: Don't assume that you know what s/he needs, and definitely don't disrespect him/her by making judgements about his/her needs! You are not obligated to meet his/her every need, only to do your best to care about them and, when appropriate, to help him/her get them met.
You can find out your partner's needs by many different methods:
1. Ask him/her
2. Observe his/her behaviour
3. Listen to what s/he complains about
4. Pay attention to what s/he seems to be drawn to in other people
Once you have a sense of what your partner needs, make the committment to meet any and all needs that you can. Don't compromise your morality, but make an obvious effort to meet his/her needs that do not cause you to cross any moral lines.
Step 4 THE NEEDS OF THE RELATIONSHIP: Here's the trickiest part, where many couples fall short. Regardless of what your needs or your partner's needs are, every relationship has it's own particular needs, as well. You might consider the relationship to be a sort of entity created by the merging of two people - like your child. It has needs, and if those needs are starved out, it will eventually sicken and then die. You must take care of it and feed it what it needs. If your relationship is on the rocks, you need to start feeding it FAST!
So what do relationships need?
Step 5 Daily loving touch between the two partners. This is non-sexual touching that creates, builds, and maintains intimacy. You give her a little smooch when you head out to work. She reaches out to take a piece of lint (which might or might not even really be there) off of your jacket. Successful relationships require frequent daily physical contact of a non-sexual nature. A pat, a kiss, a caress, a care-taking gesture such as straightening his tie. Every single day, try to incorporate at least 6-10 little physical touches. Make sure they are non-threatening and pleasant for your partner.
If your relationship is so strained that one of you feels uncomfortable with this kind of touching, then start slow. Brush past him when you are both in the hallway and, rather than flinching, try to look him in the eyes and smile. If she's wearing a pretty blouse, you might gently touch the sleeve while saying, "You look pretty in this." Start slow and it will get easier over time.
Step 6 Daily loving words between partners. These do not have to be mushy and romantic, unless you are both in sync with that sort of thing at the moment. Loving words create and build on intimacy; intimacy is simply knowing someone deeply. So what can you say? If you know that he enjoys a good joke, call him up at work to tell him a quick joke. Tell him, "I just wanted to share that with you. I'll let you get back to work now." Make your partner feel good by using your words to uplift, to amuse, to praise, to share, and to express love. Share something interesting that happened to you during the day: "Oh honey, I saw the coolest car today! You would have loved it!" or "Did you hear that cat wailing last night? Sheesh! I hope you were able . through it."
The idea is that you need to get into the habit of verbalizing with your partner in ways that strengthen the bond between you, rather than cutting it down. If the bond is broken, you need to do this even more. Try to connect lovingly with your partner through words at least 6-10 times every single day.
Step 7 Thoughtful gifts. Do you know your partner so well that you could pick out the PERFECT gift for him/her, something that nobody else would really understand except you two? This is the ideal kind of gift to offer your partner, because it absolutely affirms your intimacy. In the movie, "While You Were Sleeping," the brother of the main character's fiance knows that she has dreamed her whole life of one day going to Florence, so he gives her a little snow globe of Florence. She melts into deeper intimacy with him, because he has touched her heart by showing that he KNOWS her, and UNDERSTANDS her, and SUPPORTS what he sees.
This should be your goal, too - learn to know and understand your partner, then show support for him/her...and try to give gifts that make that support obvious and undeniable. Has your husband always wished he could paint? Buy him a beginner's watercolor painting set, complete with a book of beginner projects. Does your wife love butterflies? Bring her a stained glass or crystal butterfly to put in the kitchen window.
Step 8 If all this seems too difficult in your current relationship situation, you need to do it ALL THE MORE!
Check out resources for couples in your local community, or sign up for the free emails from Marriage Fitness on the web:
http://www.marriagemax.com/free-marriage-advice.asp
Mort Fertel is an internationally acclaimed expert in this field, and he can offer you the help and support you need to make this work and save your relationship.
Step 9 Beyond this, make sure that you NEVER speak badly about your partner to anybody at all. Be on the same side. Let the problems be what you tackle, not each other. Despite what Pat Benetar said, love is not supposed to be a battlefield. You are not in competition with each other - decide today to take your partner's side against your problems. Stand together and you will become much stronger.
And if you are married, make sure that your spouse comes first before ANYBODY else. This includes your parents and even your children. The best thing you can do for your children is to show them an example of what loving parents are like. Give them a happier home by ensuring that they have parents who support each other, rather than cutting each other down.
Step 10 Finally, don't believe anybody who tells you that the answer to your relationship problems is to "take care of yourself first." This is horrible advice, unless your goal is to sever the last ties between you and your partner. UNLESS YOUR PARTNER IS AN ADDICT, you should completely ignore any advice that encourages you to be selfish. Take a look at a great article by Dr. Willard Harley, author of Marriage Builders, called "How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages." It makes it clear how and why self-centeredness is always the WRONG approach, except in the case of a partner with an addiction. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html
Good luck with your relationship! I encourage you to send me a quick message if you have any questions about this eHow article. Or make an appointment with Mort Fertel if you need someone to help you through it. http://www.marriagemax.com/marriage-coaching.asp
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