Relationships

Now, more than ever, it has become my anthem - “I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by my self.” This isn’t the anthem I chose to scream on every mountaintop, or chant like a sister who just about lost her mind, or memorized it like a holy prayer sure to bring me out of my misery -

I have been forced to coin an anthem. Influenced by my experiences and scarred by the very core of my independent nature, it has become almost mandatory to believe that I do not need a man to feel safe, secure, wanted or loved. Lord knows, if I had to depend on a man to provide me with confidence, security or to just be a constant force in my life, I would have jumped off a bridge a long time ago. It’s hard enough in 2005 to try finishing your education, moving out of your parents’ home, and establishing a semi-stable life without having to defend this new “every-female-is-a-chicken-head” syndrome men seem to have caught and spread like wild fire. I find it crazy that a man is quick to call a woman a gold-digger when money and all the superficial things that fill this world are what men use to try to lure women in, steal them from their partners or just use as bait to keep them interested.

Either I’m not supposed to want your money or I am — which one is it? Are there any ladies out there sick and tired of being sick and tired? Have you ever been so sprung off his good looks, smooth demeanor, baritone voice and baby-soft skin that you haven’t even stopped to realize he isn’t contributing anything to who you are as a woman? You find yourself struggling so much to maintain your sanity and strength of character that you begin wondering, “What do I really need a man for?” Men do not realize that we women are creatures of habit just as they are. We are used to being raised by strong single women without a man in sight. We are used to being cheated on, lied to, and beat up for making minor mistakes. We are used to “holdin’ it down” on our own, because there was never anyone around to show us that men even know what “holdin’ it down” really means. We are used to men not calling, not caring and not doing 9 out of the 10 things they promised to do. We are accustomed to sleeping alone, cooking for one and buying our own Minolo Blahniks. We’re used to the cat-calls, ignorant whispering about various parts of our anatomy, and the constant sex-driven conversations on which men seem to thrive.

Now, before anyone gets offended and starts assuming I’m just another mad black woman — angry because I can’t get a man — let me just say you’re half right. I am a little mad and it’s true- at this point that I could not get a man if my life depended on it. Why? I never thought you would ask… In my college days ( Howard University), women outnumbered men more than 2 to 1, so guys automatically had the attitude that they didn’t need to carry themselves any particular way — they were an endangered species on a college campus and women would do anything to keep them happy and home. Just like a lab rat lured by government cheese and cheap peanut butter, all the females on campus fell for it. We did everything in our power to make that man in our life content. We cooked dinners, cleaned bathrooms, wrote papers, bought expensive birthday gifts, loaned out our cars and cash, and fought other girls to mark our territory… for what? Just to prove that we black women can keep a man, by any means necessary.

What is it that drives us crazy about black men? All the while, the guys were living it up by taking other girls out in our cars, spending our money on her, and probably having sex with her in the shower we’d just scrubbed better than his mama ever could. In the end, we still got played. He claims he’s looking for a wifey and a “ride or die” chick, but as soon as the wannabe video ho who will slob anyone’s knob like a pro right off sunset boulevard comes around, he decides she’s more appealing. Therefore, maybe when he’s ready to settle down, he’ll find me, I say to myself. By that time, I’ll be established, stable, a seasoned single black female who won’t put up with late-night calls, inconsistency, cash flow issues, commitment phoebes, criminal histories, mama’s boys, arrogance, pipe dreams or more excuses about why The Man has held him back from doing this, that and the third. Are men surprised or offended when a grown woman says she doesn’t need a man? Are they really that out of touch with reality? What she is really saying is, “I’m waiting for an available man willing and able to provide me with the stability, comfort and peace I’ve found on my own. It’s not that I don’t need you, it’s just that you haven’t given me a reason to think otherwise.” Give us a break; our defenses are up. As young women, we soaked our naked bodies in honey, galloping through the deep woods and not one bear put down the Hennessey or Madden long enough to even get up to see what all the ruckus was about. We are told men like smart women, but we cannot be so smart that we actually challenge his assumed authority over us. We are told men like women who make their own money, but we can’t make so much money that his manhood is somehow threatened.

We are told men like beautiful women, but we cannot be too attractive or provocative because he may think we are messing around on him. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that most men really want a half-way attractive, broke, emotional air-head with little to do or say. They seem to be the women who always have a man. We have been defeated and sabotaged by our own love for men so many times that we’re scared the cycle will never break. We women build up just as many walls as men do. We create these elaborate stories about how much we can do on our own, but a cold lonely night is just that — cold and lonely!!!

No woman wants to do everything by herself, even if she can. There is only so much you can put on the line before you realize you have nothing left to give but a cold shoulder and a lot of attitude. We expect you to clean up the mess another man left behind and maybe it’s too much to require, but it’s what we think we need. The saying should be “I don’t need to settle for just ANY man. I need a man of integrity, who is strong enough to reciprocate the love and support I give. I need a man ready to be MY man.” We all know it is not that easy, don’t we? I could scream this in every bar, church, university and business on the continent, make sure every major magazine ran this article and bribe Oprah to read it on the air, but it still probably wouldn’t change anything. When a man gets to a point in his life when he realizes he doesn’t have as many viable options as he thought he did, or when he breaks away from his boys long enough to understand we black women aren’t the enemy or the conniving, manipulating, selfish bitches society makes us out to be, is when women will begin to allow the chips to fall from our shoulders. That is when we will begin to lean on you for the restoration we have been seeking all along. That is when you can take your rightful place in our lives and we can take ours in yours. I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m tired of having to make excuses about why he ain’t actin’ right. I find myself wondering more often than I should, “did he really break it off with with his ex? And, if he’s only spending 4-6 hours a week with me, what or who is getting the other 164?”

Even after I subtract 40 for work and another generous 42 hours for sleep, that is still 82 hours that are unaccounted for. I am not suggesting that a man spend all his free time with me but dang, even a dog needs a daily walk.

What men fail to realize is that a relationship is like a job. Would you dare accept employment that required 45 hours a week if you were only available for 20? Hell no! Attempting to build a relationship without the sacrifice of time is the epitome of a futile endeavor. Women want a man to really know who we are, to recognize when our day has been shattering and exactly how to piece us back together. We are waiting for men who are not afraid of depending on us just as much as we depend on them. Women can be strong, fervent, and stubborn but we want to feel safe enough to bend and even break when necessary. We want to know we can do it alone because history taught us that men leave or that they do not stick around.