How many times have you endured the role of counselor to those that had all the evidence in the world to support them NOT being with their mate? How many times have you seen people forgiven, only to find more elaborate means of concealment?
Infidelity exasperates emotions, emotions that wrench and wrought with turmoil, sometimes to the point of illness. Although many will disagree, when it comes to incarnations of love, we cannot determine our fates, but we can determine our mates. However, all the mates we choose are not our determinations.
Since man began scribing words, the fellowship of infidelity has been gorged with boundless subscribers, each one a different character, and yet each exactly the same in the results of insecurity, self-doubt, paranoia, personal violation and limited self-esteem.
Our only relief is in knowing that not all break-ups are so diabolical in nature. Some are merely a matter of preference or tolerance. And yet the end question is still the same: now that the relationship has run its course, what now? Do we take a break from the process to process? Is time really needed to observe what went wrong when we were there? Do we really need to ask where corrections are needed or do we simply dust off and move on? And, lastly, do we attempt to be civil and make amends? Politically correct couples will always seek to maintain a working friendship that encompasses phone calls, brunch and the occasional dinner, each side maintaining the appearance and composure of utter nobility and civility. But whatever happened to feelings, expressionism and sentiments? To maintain a continuous friendship with an ex goes against the grain, because no matter how mature civil or understanding either side is, one side has more love and the other side more resentment than the other. Therefore, one must be left to tuck away their emotions for the sake of social graces, while the other maintains solely for the sake of civility. To me, there are a number of things that are wrong here. The first flaw was already mentioned, but it goes far beyond the surface value. If you were a responsible, reasonable, mature, fair-minded individual, then you would never break-up for a mediocre reason. The break-up would be, of course, something reprehensible to the point that intuition offered no resolution or foundation. Now, keeping this in mind, if this were the situation, then I guess it would be safe to say that whatever the reason was for the break-up would, of course, be the very reason why I would not want my ex as a friend.
Personally, whatever the reason for our separation, it would be a reason with enough gravity that rekindling is not an option. I think the saying goes "Once bitten, twice shy." We continuously scold life for dealing such miserable hands and yet sit at the card table with known card sharks. Why would you want to be with someone that could not even amount to the attributes of a friend, let alone a mate? And to rekindle something that positioned you to observe its futility only adds up to more conflict down the road. People don't change; they only wear different make-up. They tolerate withdrawing from things that they want to do for the sake of consequence.
We are taught early on to “forgive, but never forget." However, isn't this a contradiction? Is it not true that when we choose to forget, we ponder what it is we must first forget? And when we remember a wrong, are we really forgiving? Our main problem is not in our forgiving, but in our lack of holding people accountable for their actions. Reactions are based on the degree of consequences. If the consequences are bearable and tolerable in weight, then the person acts upon them. If not and the consequences are too high, then that person will either decide not to do it or they will seek a way to do it with less damage. I say this to demonstrate that when a person forgives, certain high-level priorities in a relationship (trust, loyalty, respect, fidelity, etc.) are no longer considered untouchable; they become compromised. You make the consequences for infidelity bearable. If your mate cheated on you and you forgave them, then the consequences was not separation; you make what should be a felony, a misdemeanor. And this makes the consequences worthy of the risk. However, when the consequences are instant separation (getting kicked the hell out) without the temptations of compromise, they become defined and absolute. The risk factor becomes higher,, tragic and, above all, more concrete.
Each person has a different level of risk that they are willing to assume. However, if we are to understand how to employ our personal tolerances, then both parties are held accountable and any deviation warrants it own separate package. If you tell you mate what you can tolerate and what you cannot and that mate commits an intolerable act, your subscription should be your prescription. You should always live up to your standards, just as your mate should be held accountable for his actions and you for your reactions. Threatening to leave does no good if the matter was already discussed. It only weakens your position and if that person had your best interests in mind, they would never place you in a position where you had to make a decision on that scale. Compromise should not be clamored around like a sword. When we compromise, we should always maintain the limit of never integrating that compromise into our preferences. There should always be things that are harder to compromise and I say “harder” instead of never because “never” is a word based on a contradictory probability. We cannot predict; we can only submit.
As a member of the Black community, I realize that at every turn we boast strength. However, do we use courage? Do we submit to the courage to act upon our feelings and not our conditionings? We are conditioned to stay with someone even if there is no trust, commitment or love. We use excuses like children, such as investment of time, property and endless others. But, still, they are excuses because we lack the courage to realize who we are and what we want. We use these terms like investments, but when investing in stock, isn’t it wise to get out and take a loss rather than lose it all? “All” as in waking up one morning and finally realizing all the time you’ve wasted. What do you do when there are no more cheeks to turn?
