THE END OF DREAMS

This past election was no doubt an amazing trip for us all. Some of us were jubilant and some were downcast. The latter were going through what seemed like an end to a hope for change -- or perhaps a dream that got dashed.

We all have dreams - of individual and collective futures, of success in our jobs and relationships, of overcoming challenges, of growing up to “be something," and of achieving all sorts of goals. We all deal with a dream that ends at one point or another. And that, frankly, can be very difficult to handle. "Everything must change," are the words to a song that describes how everyone changes, life is full of change and how difficult that often is for people. For those who are grappling with the changes presently occurring in our society, many dreams are ending and so they are coping with a lot of pain.

For many people, sex and sexuality seem like permanent things in life. Men are men, women are women, and sex has its place in life and that’s all there is to it. Ah, but life is soooooooo full of change. In various places in life, there is evidence that men are not what we have been taught they are; studies show that men are much more sensitive and variable in their sexual desires and behavior than what our parents, schools and religions have taught us. Women are far stronger emotionally and even physically than we have been taught and are even capable of being effective leaders in households, business and society-at-large. And more and more evidence is being made public that sex is far more complex, variable and open to moral interpretation than many people have believed for a long time.

What does this all mean? How could men not be men? Or, rather, how could men be something other than the traditional concept of muscles, brains and brute force? How could women be something other than the place where babies are made, the cooks of the household, the child-rearers, soft, submissive, not-too-capable and fragile? And, by golly, how could sex be anything other than something that helps to produce more children?

The answers are not very easy to explain, except if we consider that everything must change and for all of us some dreams come to an end. Consider that just because we have been taught something all of our lives does not mean it is true, infallible or should be upheld. History is full of all kinds of ways of thinking and believing that eventually changed into other ways of thinking and believing. For example, our cultural beliefs about what is beautiful change; remember when thin was the only way a woman could be considered attractive? Or when it was considered a sin to marry a white and black bride and groom? Or when women could not wear pants? Or when the earth was considered to be flat? The Civil War brought many peoples’ dreams to an end, both in the North and South of our country. The American Revolution brought the end to a dream for the England of that time. The slave trade brought an end to many Africans' dreams of living their lives the way their ancestors had lived for thousands of years. Now, we are coping with the ends of certain dreams regarding what men, women and sex are really all about.

It is good that our society's traditional views on sex, sexuality and gender are being challenged and are changing. Though it is very hard for us to make sense of it all as a people, the resistance to change has made it extremely hard for us to respond to the danger of physical and mental illnesses that are related to those three areas of life. Men who are prone to violence have a hard time changing their behavior in a society that promotes violence-- especially violence in men. The censorship that we usually use in mass media is focused mostly on sex, whereas violence is not as censored. What message does that send to the young men of our society? That sex is bad and violence is okay? How does that fit into the beliefs of our people?

Girls are taught to be submissive to men, that men are born to lead and women are born to follow. When it comes to choices about sex and sexual behavior, women tend to follow their male partner's lead, often to the point of unprotected sex, leading to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. What would it take to teach girls something different than what we teach them about gender roles in life? Is it possible that we are perpetuating a cycle of dependency in women by teaching them to be submissive to men? And what is fascinating, when you stop and think about it, is that we have curricula to train young people how to handle their money, how to drive a car and how to do lots of complex things in life, but have very little information available to young people about how to handle their sexual urges and behavior. Sure, we have sex education, but take a look at it. The reality and complexity of sex is not being taught in those classes. Ask most people you know and you will find out they learned much more about sex in the street, from other young people or (sadly) in the home in ways that are damaging (such as through sexual experiences forced upon children against their will many times). 

We are a society of people who are too ignorant about what gender is, what sex is and what sexuality is. We act like we know, but we are dreaming. As Oprah does shows on "brothers on the down-low," as movies come out showing the life's work of sexual scientists like "Kinsey," as pop culture blends more and more new fads and trends with old ways of thinking (androgynous looks and metrosexuals), our dreams are slowly coming to an end. And for many of us yearning for what we were taught in our youth, that hurts. Those who are in pain regarding the definition of marriage are in pain because the concept of marriage has been a dream we have been taught to hold since our earliest years. Cinderella, Snow White and many other fairytales set us up to reach for a magical something that brings "happily ever after" into our lives. Our religions teach variations on that theme, as well. Yet any marriage counselor will inform you that marriage is far from what we are taught it should be. It is work. It is a difficult commitment and it actually occurs differently for different people. It has even changed throughout history, based on what culture and historical period you look at. Nevertheless, the reality of same-sex couples in America is threatening the dream we have been conditioned to dream and to teach our children to dream. But that's the point, isn't it? The thing being threatened is a dream, nothing more. It is coming to an end under the weight of reality, just like the dream of slave-driven Southern prosperity did, just like the dream of English rule in America did, and just like the dream of a flat earth did. Relationships can and do occur between people in many, many variations. We must admit this and begin to make room for that reality in our world.

Until we do, we will continue to think that HIV and other sex-related dangers are not that dangerous and are far removed from those of us living in that dream world. But reality is showing up as many people get infected after not being prepared for the reality of sex, sexuality and human desire and behavior. We need the traditional dream that began in our childhood fairytales and was reinforced by our religious leaders and popular culture to end. We need to deal with the pain of that dream's end. Then we can heal and come together, dream a new dream and be stronger as a people.  

May God bless us all as we struggle to make sense out of life.