How to Cheat and Not Get Busted

It concerns me that a lot of you would like to be considered ballers and shot callers and don’t even have enough street savvy to pull off even the most basic street move: how to cheat and not get caught. First and foremost, you are only a cheater if, in fact, you do get caught. Getting caught makes you a clown. I have had relationships for years on end under my mate’s nose, without even so much as a hint that I was playing the field. If you’re in the game like you claim to be, that makes it that much easier for you to get away with it. All you have to do is lay down a few ground rules that will set the stage for you to do your thing.

The first rule of thumb is the “same game.” What do I mean by the same game? Never deviate from your original lifestyle, such as consistently being away or hanging out. This lays the groundwork for your perfect alibi. Only the ones that are greedy with it ever get caught. What cheaters fail to understand is that a SOS (something on the side) is just that; emergency use only. When these cats start assuming the role of full-time mate, they are ultimately marking their demise.

When my girl calls me on the cell phone to find out what time I’m going to be home for dinner, I hit her with the “I am taking care of business routine.” She knows that when I say that conversation is dead because she assumes I’m taking care of business somewhere where I can’t talk. She doesn’t have to know that the business in being up in some broad. And for those that find that term distasteful, I will simply say this; any broad that knowingly sleeps with someone that is involved is every derogatory name in the book. “Broad” is simply one of the nicer ones. The sad part is that 8 out of 10 women in their 30’s have at least once messed with someone involved.

But I digress.

If you plan to spend the night out with a broad, take her on a trip or something, just say you are going out of town to make things happen. Tell your girl that you do not make phone calls out of town because you are out on business. Explain to her that business means work and socializing or networking. That sets the stage for you to be gone for days with only having to call to say you are alive. The flipside to that is if you say you are out “making it happen,” you damned sure better come home with some progress to show for it or it makes you look sloppy. Without a second thought, when you come home start building on her fantasy life of luxury and success. Since women play that “Make love to my mind” foolishness, make love to it with what she wants to hear, and she will not even ask why you smell like somebody else’s ass.

This brings me to the point of washing yourself before you leave. My wife knows I only use Ivory soap, so for me to wash with anything else is a dead give away. In addition to that, if you wash and go straight home, you are a damn fool. Smelling as if you just got out of the shower is a dead give away. Always take a steaming hot shower so that you will sweat even after you get out of the shower. Don’t dry off; let the sweat blend in with the soap. That gives the impression that you have not showered all day. Before you go upstairs, run up the block at top speed to build up a body odor. When you go upstairs, you are home free. Always take off your clothes if you are going to be hugging and kissing on a broad. Her perfume on your clothes will get you killed. If you say you are going to a party, try buying a pack of cigarettes even if you don’t smoke. There is no way you are going to be partying all night and not smell like cigarettes; somebody in there is smoking. And for God’s sake make sure they are Newport . Black folk don’t smoke anything other brand but that. If you are going to cheat let your SOS know you have a wife. In doing so, she has no reason to drop a dime on your ass. And, more so, she has no real cause to complain about being neglected.

Here are a few more tips that might be helpful.

• Never tell a broad where you live. (She doesn’t need to know.)
• Don’t mess with someone who knows where you live.
• Never give a broad your home number.
• Never call a broad from your home number and I do mean NEVER!!! You may forget to press * 67 or, worse, you might forget to dial a fake number in case your mate dials redial.
• Never tell a broad your real name unless, of course, you plan on leaving your wife for her. Tell her the slang name your friends call you (it’s easier to remember).
• Never take her around your friends; they will obviously call you by your real name (besides you are not with her to socialize, that’s what your wife is for).
• Never take her around your family. Duh.
• If you live in the Tri State area, it is best to mess with a broad from New Jersey or a neighboring state. I will drive an hour for a good piece of ass. I have been known to travel to Philadelphia on a whim - one hour there, another hour back.
• When you are going to a broad’s house, leave all of your ID’s in your car. If she goes in your pockets, she will come up empty handed. Voicemail is a good way to protect yourself.
• Don’t have too much to drink, know your limit and never take any drugs because you will tell on yourself by having something slip out that you didn’t want said.