The Vicious Cycle

Married, but still looking.

Ought to be ashamed of myself.

I'm not, but I ought to be.

Shuffling around anxiously, waiting for the chance to break free of the stagnation is my form of emancipation. I need for a man to come get me and take me to new heights. I need that constant resonating feeling of fresh, "all a-flutter" of newness, exploration and adventure. I need an escape.

The deep, sensual, romantic dreams of fantasy “forever-love only one person” I had as a girl died hard with my first relationship. Why you ask?

Did a man trample over my heart?

Did he leave me for another?

Did he abuse me?

Or worst, leave me jaded and doubtful as to whether or not I was worthy of real love?

No. Never that. Instead, my shady ways have always been the poison that brings potentially wonderful love affairs to their bitter demise. Since day one, I have been blessed with the special company of one sweet caring man after another, and I have cheated on (or cheated with) every single one of them.

Every name in the book of immorality could be thrown at me and would, rightly so, stick like glue. I stay so deep in lust and desire that there is no room for honest love. I often wonder if I can even handle it? The thought of it scares, bores, irritates, delights, and thrills me all in the same breath. But it is a fleeting thought, and an even more fleeting feeling, nimbly seeping away, leaving my heart and soul hollow and dry. The real satisfaction only seems to come from the screaming physical sensations I get in the arms of a new (married or single, tender or aggressive, what-does-it-matter) man. No man I can bring out in public can open me up like that, in all those delicious ways, like my secret lovers.  

Such is the course I've set in forfeiting love in exchange for sex-tasy. Many would think me especially foolish when they learn that one man who has shown me the greatest, and most poorly appreciated, strength and love is here by my side till death do we part. True love shares a bed, a home, and a family with me right now. He always forgives. Rarely questions. Can't shake what he's got for me, no matter how badly I behave, through two affairs and another man's child. He'd die for me. So you ask, where is my mind? On the next "potential" that can light that fire again. Where is my heart? Beating only for myself.

Married, but still looking. The vicious cycle of loveless-ness, carelessness, and infidelity continues; until one such girl is woman enough to stop this crazy thing, or becomes a victim of her own abuse. Right? Perhaps…  But then again, you only get what you tolerate.