Infidelity does not always equate to sexual activities. But it is always relates to mis/non-communication. Here at this site we can examine the circumstances of rejection, insecurities, guilt and inadequacies. Stories from those cheated upon and those who cheated. |
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It started with an IM and an invitation to a private chat room.
We discovered that not only did we live in the same state and city, but, surprisingly, the same neighborhood. Now, he told me he was married, but I kept talking to him because he wasn't the only online married friend I had. Friendly chatting on the computer was as far as I was going with any married man. After a few minutes, I knew there was something different about him. We talked online until 3 A.M. and on the phone until daybreak. The feeling I had about him online carried over into our phone conversations. It was over two months before we ever laid eyes on each other. We talked every day, about everything. I could talk to him the way I could talk to no other man. Our conversations ran the gamut, sometimes lasting all night. He was so blunt, a quality I have been told I posses, and I liked that about him. He told me straight-up about everything, never beating around the bush. We laughed, I cried, he fussed and I cussed. I liked him so much and I had no idea what he looked like, but what I did know was that he was married...happily married. I told myself that this married man was only my friend, and that friends were all we would ever be. But I knew deep down that we would be more. We hadn't met, yet I felt an incredible attraction to this man. I desired him. I continued to talk with him as if I felt nothing more than friendship toward him. I never brought to life the thoughts and feelings I had inside me. While talking like we always did, I asked him what he thought about me. He said he only had a few friends and that I wasn't one of them. Offended, I asked why. He told me he couldn't think of me as one of his "homies" because he doesn't want to grab his homies and kiss them the way he wants to kiss me. That day, things between us changed. We talked for weeks about meeting each other, but I was afraid. I guess my intuition was telling me what would happen if we met, and I tried to put it off. I thought the longer I could keep myself from seeing him, the longer I keep myself from getting too into him. I couldn't put it off forever, so we agreed to meet.
The first meeting was awkward at best; I know I didn't look him in the eye for at least 30 minutes. It felt so strange to actually put a face to the voice. We sat there and talked for about two hours, about the things we discussed on the phone. When our relationship turned sexual, it was something that we both wanted. I don't regret having sex with him. It was the most incredible sexual experience of my life. It was like being with your best friend and most passionate lover simultaneously. Sex with him is an unspoken awareness of each other's sexual desires.
I've asked him over and over why he does it, why a "happily" married man would be involved with me. He's a pro at analogies, and he told me that wanting me was like having a full plate at dinner time but still wanting dessert. I am that dessert. He's also said that wanting me is like a person having a fully functional blue Mercedes, but still wanting to drive the red one on the show room floor. I am that other "car."
It’s nights like tonight when I feel the worst. Nights when I haven't talked with him and know that right now he is showing all the attention and affection he gives me to his wife. We are supposed to see each other, maybe in a car, a restaurant or a dimly lit movie theatre. No matter where we meet, it will be, as always, somewhere secluded. Right now, I'm sitting here waiting for my pager to sound and let me know that he will or will not be able to "get out." Why do I do this? Why do I allow this to continue?
I realized just the other day that I am jealous. Incredibly envious and jealous! Typical, huh? For the mistress to be jealous of the wife. Well, what's not typical is I'm jealous of HIM! I envy the fact that he has everything -- a happy marriage and me on the side. It upsets me that he can be totally happy doing what we’re doing forever. I know we will never, ever be anything more than what we are. I cannot accept the fact that he wants no more of me than what he has. As long as he gets to "have his cake and eat it, too," he will NEVER want anything more! We've talked and talked about the problems I have with this "thing" we’re doing. It’s because I’m unhappy that he's suggested we end it. Even with everything I feel for him, I've agreed. I know the best thing for us is friendship.
While reading this, I'm sure you won't understand. I know you think I'm a low-down bitch to mess with a married man. If I were on the outside looking in, I would probably think the exact same thing. Writing this, I've tried to put into words what I feel about him, but what I've written is not enough. I will never be able to explain the passion and chemistry between us. These words cannot capture the depths of our conversations. These words cannot explain what it is like for us to be in each other's presence. I know I can never be content with having to share, so the sexual part of our relationship will end. I hope that one day a man will come into my life that I can feel for the way I do for "Mr. Married." A SINGLE man...