Evolutionary biologists have faced the facts. Our blueprint doesn’t call for “happily ever after” romances. Instead, our relationships are pretty much hardwired to self-destruct. That is, we’re predisposed toward mating behavior that increases our opportunities to pass on our genes and upgrade the physical soundness of our offspring—at the expense of our unions. For example: the duration of romantic love, from the moment of infatuation to the time when a “feeling of neutrality” for one’s love object sets in, is, on average, a mere 18 months to three years. And most divorces occur, predictably, in year four. Biology thus slyly encourages us to start more than one family.
A woman is more likely to reach orgasm with a partner with symmetrical features (which correlate with genetic fitness). Orgasm increases the number of sperm that remain in her reproductive tract and boosts the chances of pregnancy. Alas, such partners make worse than average mates, even though they produce sounder bodies.
Infidelity during a marriage is the rule rather than the exception for a majority of spouses, male and female. This behavior, too, creates additional opportunities for genetic “arts and crafts.”
How does biology persuade us to ruin our relationships in pursuit of its goals (of more and fitter babies)? With a simple neurochemical reward for engaging in passionate sex: a blast of dopamine to the “pleasure/reward” center of our limbic system or “primitive brain.” This mechanism works so well that if you let a rat stimulate the “pleasure/reward” part of its brain without restriction, it will “bliss” itself to death without even pausing to eat.
This grim scenario raises a serious question. Can we assume that biology has our best interests at heart when it encourages us to “do it” ‘cause it feels good?” The authors of Mean Genes, From Sex to Money to Food, Taming Our Primal Instincts reply with a resounding, “No!” They argue that this compelling chemical reward mechanism—which worked tolerably well for our distant forbearers when such things as food and sex were scarce—now creates havoc. Without our recognizing it, it is behind our addictions, our obesity, our tendency to run up debts, our desire to gamble and so forth.
The Separation Syndrome
Nowhere does it create more unsuspected havoc than in our love lives.
Have you ever fallen in love with total abandon, experienced wonderful lovemaking, and then noticed a strange separation developing between you and your lover? You may have repeated this pattern more than once. We are designed to “binge” on sex until we reach a point of excess—and are repelled from further indulgence…temporarily. This retreat may reflect a need to recover from (or prevent damage from) the “pleasure/reward” stimulation of dopamine. Too much dopamine can cause nerve damage.
In short, the orgasm biology has engineered to promote gene duplication has costs. Some of us, of course, become classic “sex addicts,” destroying our lives to pursue this natural source of intense stimulation. Yet even when we avoid extremes, the backlash from orgasm can stir up relationship distress. Usually we ignore it, blame it on other causes or assume it is a regrettable, but unavoidable, aspect of being human. For example, sex often causes a subsequent need for “space” between partners. John Gray, Ph.D. (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) describes a man’s desire for emotional separation following intimacy as “a need to go into his cave.”
Classic, sacred sex texts have long explained this need for recovery as the repercussion of semen loss. However, as I’ve explained, orgasm has powerful effects on our nervous system—and women don’t escape the resulting hangovers either. Friends and I have noticed that orgasm can cause women to become oversensitive, hyper-critical and very needy, though these symptoms may not become acute until days, or even two weeks, after the intense high of orgasm. For both men and women, this nasty high/low cycle can make relationships more stressful than joyful.
What is the mechanism behind this high/low cycle? Well, scientists have recently learned that our nerve cells “down regulate” when we flood them with intense pleasure neuro-chemicals like dopamine. They become temporarily less sensitive by shutting down some of the dopamine nerve cell receptors. This defense mechanism takes the fun out of everything— until they wake up again.
Unfortunately, we seldom wait for the neurochemical joy to return to our lives. Instead, we try to bring on another high by going for another orgasm, spending recklessly, drinking too much, experiencing the adrenaline rush of watching sports, binging on chocolate and so forth, all of which set off high/low cycles of their own.
We often also blame our partner for our distress. This tendency worsens with time, as our subconscious comes to associate our lover not just with the initial pleasure of orgasm but also with this post-orgasmic hangover. Little things begin to bother us. We jump to the wrong conclusions about each other’s motives. We withhold much-needed affection. We have a compelling urge to “Look out for Number One” or play the resentful martyr. Other potential partners look more and more attractive.
The Great Awakener: Relationship Disharmony
“Reward” by “reward” biology wins the war. Our relationships start to unravel. Our honeymoons end. And infidelity often begins. Gradually, this post-bliss hangover drains the trust, joy and loving companionship from our closeness. Many couples unconsciously try to cope with this syndrome by having sex less frequently—usually less frequently than one of them would like. But sometimes they cope by changing partners or resigning themselves to an asexual existence and emotional isolation.
Hopefully, your relationship has escaped these fates, but the divorce rate currently stands at 50% and now the percentage of those who never marry is rising sharply.
Can we learn to cope with this pattern of reward followed inevitably by separation? Maybe. Should we? No. Relationship disharmony is not something we should casually tolerate because our neurochemical design rewards us for orgasm at any price. Intimacy and someone to share our closest thoughts with greatly contribute to our well-being. According to heart disease specialist, Dean Ornish, M.D., the rewards of closeness are so profound that they even outweigh the benefits of sound health strategies like exercise, smoking cessation and dietary improvements.
The benefits that accompany open-heartedness (appreciation, giving, caring, closeness) pay dividends beyond healthier relationships. They decrease our levels of cortisol or “death hormone” (so-called because it’s produced in harmful levels when we’re under stress) and increase our levels of “anti-aging hormone” (DHEA). This improved hormonal balance strengthens our immunity to disease, regenerates cells, frees arteries of cholesterol and helps us maintain our ideal weight.
In short, harmonious relationships offer far greater advantages than biology’s empty rewards and, judging from the brevity of our “honeymoons,” it may be that we can’t have both for long.
We can’t afford to continue following biology’s blueprint for intimate relationships. In addition to spoiling our relationships, it’s very short-sighted. It has succeeded so thoroughly that the planet is now bursting with people, many of whom are underfed, under-educated and recklessly depleting the very resources their hordes of offspring need to survive comfortably. Moreover, the pursuit of dopamine rewards hampers our spiritual development by keeping our attention on external gratification (and reproduction).
Is There a Solution?
Even when we see where we’re headed and don’t like our destination, must we choose between abstinence and the thrill of intimate union? No. There is an answer. It lies in a middle path for sexual expression that’s been around forever. Hints can be found in Taoist, Tantric and even pre-Roman (Gnostic) Christian texts. Few of us have experimented with this path, however, because we’ve been so thoroughly under biology’s spell.
The key is to make love differently. Let me explain by using an example related to diet. If you tend to binge on the junk food in your kitchen late at night, a clever solution is to buy only healthy snacks. When the urge strikes, you allow yourself all you can eat of these foods. If you stick with your new strategy, the withdrawal period is not unbearable. Gradually, you discover that you like your healthy snacks more and more. Your tastes actually shift.
So it is with this other approach to lovemaking. Set aside a month to try it while you exchange “all you can eat” of affectionate, nightly nurturing. Do not have intercourse for the first two weeks and when you add it, avoid vigorous movement and conventional orgasm. I predict you’ll discover that your withdrawal from biology’s reward will be virtually painless—and you will be surprisingly fulfilled rather than frustrated.
If you’re consistent, you’re likely to rediscover—and realize that you can sustain—the openhearted connection that brought you together in the first place. An added advantage is that all performance-related woes disappear from the bedroom to be replaced by a warm, relaxed playfulness and rich emotional depth.
By the end of the month, you’ll also have gained a very welcome equilibrium that will benefit you in other areas of your life. You’ll have more energy and can pursue your goals more efficiently. Pioneers have also discovered that long-term addictions came under control once they made this simple change. How can this be? Well, when couples are in an open-hearted (giving) space their bodies produce a delicious, but hangover free, body chemistry that is heavily influenced by a particular hormone known as oxytocin or “the cuddle hormone.” Oxytocin furnishes its own sense of blissful fulfillment. For example, rats addicted to heroin cut back on their heroin use when injected with oxytocin. Moreover, oxytocin reinforces selfless giving, while dopamine rewards selfishness. This may explain why an oxytocin-based approach to sex furthers spiritual aspirations.
Try Something New
Orgasm is so compelling that, like the rats who “blissed” themselves to death, we assume it must be good for us. Certainly, Wilhelm Reich, a German psychiatrist, thought so. He argued that orgasm produces a beneficial energy that he dubbed “orgone.” Sadly, he was also a cocaine addict who married three times, so biology’s plan for his love life prevailed. His results have subsequently been discredited.
Shared ecstasy is beneficial as an aspect of intimacy itself. Unfortunately, however, “not all sexual ecstasy is created equal.” If we want to protect the harmony in our relationships, discover our true potential and improve our immunity to disease, we need to be choosier about which “ecstatic” neurochemical cocktail we pursue. For thousands of years, sacred sex traditions have suggested that a more heart-centered (oxytocin-rich), less explosive (less dopamine-based) approach to sex both increases well-being and serves as a path to heightened spiritual awareness. Based on eleven years of experimentation, I know they were onto something valuable. My partner and I have, for example, discovered the existence of a “heart orgasm” (ecstatic feelings of closeness that go on and on), which is more fulfilling than the explosive “hot orgasm.”
So, if you want to protect your relationship from biology’s wiles, try something new. At most, you’ll pass up a few “dopamine blasts.” And you may just rediscover the wisdom—and deeper rewards—of a very ancient prescription for intimacy.
