I checked the phone to see if it’s still working. Damn this phone, it never rings loud enough. If he calls, how am I supposed to hear it? What if he called and I missed it?
Last night had been prolific in every sense; it captured every bit of desire I had and returned it tenfold. I believe that I have never been freer with a man before, never so relaxed, so exposed. "I wonder if I were too exposed? I wonder if I relaxed myself with him a bit too much? And, worst of all, did I enjoy it too much?"
How I hate this part of it...the next day...
Thoughts are always so mischievous when they’re unresolved; they create lurking ogres that snatch you up when at your most vulnerable. They take away reason.
Is this phone even plugged in?
Maybe I am making more out of this thing than I need to. Perhaps he just got a little busy and will call me later. Perhaps. GOD, how I hate this part... the waiting... the approval or the rejection; after intimacy, it can go either way. Did he like me or did he just like the things I did to him? What does he want from me? Will there even be another time to find out? Am I asking too much to want and to yearn? Or am I now a label, a tag that bears resentment and scorn? Am I a mere closet secret only to be taken out for use when needed? Like a snow shovel that sits in the closet all spring, summer and fall. Should I have maintained my defenses and stayed reserved?
"What was that? Did the phone ring?”
Why am I so nervous? I am an adult and I am a woman. I have my needs and last night, I met those very same needs head-on. I released. And after so many failures, so many disappointments, so much drama, I have finally reached a point where I can release. I no longer have to validate my actions with excuses. I have arrived without guilt, without shame.
What was that??? Is that a ring? Ahh... finally. At last!!! No, calm down girl, don't seem so anxious. Don't give him the air of you needing someone. Be strong, be proud, be independent. Picking up the receiver, I am collected enough to declare myself without warrant. I am ready. At LAST I am ready. And you, baby, are the one.
"Hello... NO!!! I would NOT like to subscribe to the Daily News."
Dayum, I hate this part of the morning after.