I Do or I Won't

The night air still carries the sting of her words: "Marry me or we are
through." An invisible line, which can only be breached by resolution, now
divides what once was our bed. Another argument with no real winners, only
losers with heavy casualties on both sides. Blankly and indiscriminately, I
stare out into the darkness of the room, only to see masked silhouettes
peering through my solemn eyes. The glow of the alarm clock eases my
blindness with its glaring red glare that finds my robe. Carefully and
quietly, I rise from the battlefield. Feeling for the doorknob, stumbling
recklessly over things (that I know should not be there) and cursing each
item in silence, I exit the melee with broken pride.

Plopping down in the recliner, feeling the cushions give way, molding to my
weight, I drown myself in thought. Our disagreement was over her assumption
that I was unwilling to commit. But deep inside, I knew this to be another
parlay for another devastatingly fruitless bout.

It is my belief that no one should be able to pressure anyone into anything
against their will. If so, then your will itself is susceptible to constant
manipulation. Marriage, above all other things, should be something
given totally and freely without doubt or question. Often enough, we invest more into the ceremony of marriage as the guardian of our
relationships (NOT THAT I AM AGAINST MARRIAGE), whereas it should be the
individuals, not the piece of paper, that sustain each another. How can one
base the life of a relationship on a document? Marriage does not enhance a
relationship; love does. So, when a mate pressures another into submitting to
marriage, I question the grounds for marriage. For if things are smooth and
growing, blossoming with each morning anew, then why make alter matters
that can threaten bliss? And this is the one of the reasons
I feel our divorce rate is so high. Sometimes, we put more into the
investment of social institutionalization. We believe that once married, we
become a part of successful society and measure our success on the tangible,
rather than the emotional.

No. I am not afraid of commitment, but I am afraid of taking marriage
lightly. Being in a relationship does not warrant marriage. Dating does not
warrant a relationship. And sex does not warrant dating. It is the heart,
not volition, that warrants these things. It is the relativity that joins
these things. And it is the love that encourages these things. Society and
status has nothing to do with two people when the doors are closed. And worse
than that, a fantasy, media-based society gives us continuously sunny skies.

This is absurd.

Smiling at the absurdity of the whole thing, I returned to the room and,
without the clumsiness of words, apologetically kissed her, knowing that
someday this woman will be my wife (hopefully) and I her husband.