LOVE CRIMES

How can I talk about matters of the heart when I have been deemed heartless? Redemption? Maybe, or perhaps a plea for forgiveness for the "love crimes" I have committed.

Affection given was the footstool for which I set my feet, love was my armrest and her commitment...my pillow. How were they to know they were nothing but a fix; a hit for a sick addiction?

From heart to heart I traveled. "I laid my hat" on the impressionable and easily manipulated, but how could they know a future was non-existent” Wait...I take that back. How could they know deceit awaited entry at the threshold of their hearts?

The agenda was set and to love again was not a part of the schedule; at least not in the foreseeable future. See, I too was once a victim. With open arms I welcomed her in and, with her departure, a part of me bid farewell.

This was the part of me that bought the flowers; this was the part that wrote the letters; this was the part that cried, the part that dreamed... this was the part that FELT. She had committed the perfect crime, executed without a flaw.

So now, robbed of my emotion, I set out as if without a soul. I swore vengeance on whosoever would have me, my weapons of choice pulled from this world and the next. An advanced intellect that gave me the ability to peer into the very minds of others, a God-given gift of speech and a manipulative characteristic undoubtedly inherited from my father.

Now in the wake of my disgusting promiscuity, all that is left is a slew of names and even a death that tortures my psyche whenever the morbid subject of suicide is mentioned. I have been tried and punished twice but not executed for these "love crimes" and for that I am truly thankful. The punishments? Well that’s a story in itself. Perhaps one day I'll muster the humility to at least put it to paper. I just thank God for a healthy daughter. So, to:

Nicky

Najah

Erica

Jada

Barbara

Renee

Shelly

Simone

Jessica

Tanya

Jennifer

Christina

Keli

Leesa

And to those I can't remember, I apologize equally. To Ariana, I would like to think your departure from this world was not my fault, but our final conversation won't allow that. I just couldn't bring myself to say it but know this — I did care for you but my blackened heart would not allow me to love you.