Q.

I am in a ten-month-old relationship. He is 44 and I am 27. When we make love, he has his orgasm and he doesn’t wait for me. I need some advice.

A.

Good sex is an art form, which takes practice. It should not take you ten months to know that there is no fulfillment, unless this is your first round of sexual experiences together. Sex is about learning a new language from scratch. The objects are always the same, but the pronunciation is different. How we pronounce our sexual needs is very important because takes exploration of another’s creativity. It is a consolidated effort that takes the duration and commitment of time to perfect. We all want to paint masterpieces, but no one wants to learn to draw first.

The act of sex is mere redundancy without the appropriate before and after. The before is the communications, the expectations, the boundaries. The after is the reflection on the application of the before. In order to reach mutual satisfaction, a couple must be absolutely honest in their sexual aspirations. There must be a clear understanding in regards to ones ability, ones willingness, and ones concession to new things. Unfortunately, our society is a society of labels, stigmatisms, and categories, and for both male and female, the communication is fragmented and condensed.

Someone told me once, that if you can get a woman to openly and honestly talk about her sex life and sex preferences, she would have no problems talking about anything else. Women run the risk of appearing easy, fast, freaky, or prudish and often are fearful of repercussions because of their honesty. They also have the problem of meeting men that are intimidated by a woman’s TRUE sexual appetite.

Men also bear the weight of these stigmatisms, because some expected men to be strong black Mandingo warriors, hung like a horse and can last all night long without a break. Life is not a porno movie. Fact, men have to be aroused to have an erection. Fact, men have to stay aroused to maintain an erection. For some men, once that erection erupts, it will be a while before there is another. Then again, some men simply do not have the mental dexterity to control their erections. Think about it, for a man, an erection exists only as the result of his excitement, and to attempt to control his excitement, equally modifies his erection. Men need arousal to have physically sex; women do not. Secondly, we must dispense with the negative stereotypes. It is true that men physiologically peak sexually from 18 - 25 years old. At this age they have quicker and harder erections, however this does not constitute as good sex. It constitutes a good sex organ. It’s like having a new car and not being able to drive a lick (no pun intended). Your man must learn to master his erections and his steady his anxiety to orgasm. At 44, things simply are not as they used to be. You should have understood this as one of the attributes when you decided to date someone so much older.

Sex between two people is a learned experience obtained through time. A ten-month relationship containing sex should be more than enough time to find all you need to know about your partner’s sexual capabilities and capacity.

My suggestion is to seek other activity other than the ones you are currently practicing. Make it fun and appreciative for both parties. Sex is far more than mere penetration. Sometimes kissing is a great motivator. Also, and most importantly, gently bring up the nature of your disappointment in you sex life in an amicable way that does not threaten his society-conditioned ego.