Q.

I am frustrated with the man that I am currently seeing. I have three teenage children that my boyfriend says I spoil. My goal is to give them a better life than I had. However, my boyfriend gets upset about with my methods of child rearing, and says that I am not preparing them, but handicapping them for life. Do I leave my boyfriend or make it work?

A.

First, I would have to say leave - Immediately!!! If you are pondering leaving this deeply, then it is simply a matter of time before you act on the idea, or find another excuse to leave. Why waste his time and yours? If you wanted to make it work, the words “leave” would not be in the sentence.

I know you love your children. We all want to spoil them and give them the best and make sure they are safe. However, we have to find a common ground. My two daughters have been on their own [which means in their own house] since they were 18 and 19 years old and they each have a son. I made them stand on their own two feet when they made the decision to become parents. I am not the parent to my grandsons - I am the grandmother.

Never be afraid of letting your babies’ fly – which they will never learn to, unless you allow them the chance. If you spoil them, they will always be under their mama’s wing.

Your goal as a parent is to make them independent, not dependent. For example, if they do well in school, you should reward them. If they are doing poorly – then you need to act responsively and accordingly, not bribe them with $200 sneakers. Sometimes single parents are a bit sensitive when someone criticizes their child rearing techniques. You may have to access your situation and see if you are hanging on a little bit too tightly. Believe me, it is very difficult to understand when to protect and when to allow exposure. Sometimes as a parent, we become insecure about our children being able to do things without mom.

Next, I would like to address having a mate share in the parental duties of child rearing, and the reason why I say you should leave. One cannot say to a man “If you want me, you have to accept my children” and not expect him to have say so in the way they are raised, especially if he is a frequent visitor or lives with you. That is just insane. If you are unwilling to share the role of parent, then perhaps you are better off by yourself. This goes back to my point of some parents insulating themselves in child rearing to divert attention from who they are. In this world of single mothers, I find it admirable that a man would assume the responsibility of stepparent, even when he is not married to you. If you have him in the role as your mate, then you need to do it full fledged or not at all. Remember, children remember who raised them along the way. Every boyfriend you maintain is a memory and lesson for your children. Therefore, unless he is abusive (and if he is, you shouldn’t be with him anyway), you should think about loosening the responsibility a bit, as well as being more open to suggestions.