A Thin Line, Between Love and Abuse
On the topic of LOVE and ABUSE, there is a thin line.
Now I know all of you have heard of "a thin line between love and hate", but there is also a thin line between LOVE AND ABUSE.
I am speaking to the younger generations and to the old. To the souls that have been worn thin because of the depression that sets in when you realize that the person you are with, is not really who you want to be with. Many SETTLE.
NEVER Settle!
Let me say this, abuse is not only about getting hit. And when most think about verbal abuse, we only assume that it means hurtful words are being said. But, what about the abuse that stems from WALLS BEING HIT, Possessions being broken (and while that is going on hearing screams saying "DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS MATTERS TO ME? IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME!")
How many of you women out there have had a situation where the wall was punched because he was SO ANGRY.
Then you add on the aspect of being so UPSET that he JUST DOESN'T remember what he did. He stays out all of the time. Never wants to be around you or your children.
I have a couple of questions for you.
Do you love yourself?
Do you love your children?
Is your life more valuable to you now that you have children?
Is your life worth the grief that you are going through for this person?
Are they really that important (your significant other)?
ARE YOU EVEN HAPPY?
The answers to these questions should be what lets you know whether or not it is worth it to stay or to go. Whether to go through life UNHAPPY, or whether it really can be worked out... FORGET about the person changing... RIGHT NOW, Do you think it is worth it... From what you know about the person, will they really change?
Do not go through life depressed, suicidal and unloved. NO ONE worth loving will let you be that way. NO ONE!
A True-Life Story
Tanesha was a college-educated woman that was a victim of abuse and she didn't even know it.
You see, Tanesha, had a hard life from the start. Mother was hardly around, she had to take care of little brothers, and when mother got sick, she had to take care of mother. There was no help or support for Tanesha and her family. Tanesha's only way out was school. School provided that salvation, because if Tanesha could get to college and live on campus, she would be able to escape the household that was slowly destroying her.
Since Tanesha's mother was bipolar, Tanesha had no choice but to do what she had to since she was the oldest of the siblings. Therefore, all of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare, fell upon the shoulders of a still wondering adolescent. Tanesha's own feelings and sentiments were never taken into account when it came to Tanesha's life. It was not until Tanesha found an outlet — poetry; that she was able to briefly escape from the maniacal world around her.
How is it that a mother puts her own personal needs before her child's and causes the child to grow up so fast, so young is beyond me. “Old before her time” was an adage she was always told.
How is it that a mother that is supposed to take care of her decides that she no longer wants to be the mother, but be the child, and the child has to assume the responsibility of the mother?
This is the lifestyle that many young African American females go through EVERYDAY.
We watch the TV shows and see everyone gets HELP from this talk show host and that one. We see a story and we go, MY GOD, she is sooo stupid. If that were I, I wouldn't even go through that, but life is very uncertain, and every boxer has a strategy, until he gets hit by the first punch.
It is easier to tell someone how to swim in a river, as long as you don’t have to get wet.
Back to the story...
To add on to the already well-laid dysfunctionality of the household, Tanesha's mother went from man to man as Tanesha grew older. And from this, Tanesha decided, “I WILL NEVER go through the type of relationships I saw my mother go through”
Well, fortunately Tanesha got out of the situations. But unfortunately she fell into some tracks that were just unfair and, more importantly, unhealthy to her life.
Now Tanesha found a man, and this man was what Tanesha thought every man should be.
Now we women have at one time or another all gotten that one man that turns out to be the EXACT opposite of what you thought he was, and what you expected.
Have you ever had everything you hated in someone culminate into the person you are with?
Tanesha found herself in a relationship where she was unloved, and as this was her circumstance all her life – unloved, to acknowledge an unyielding relationship was something she could not readily do. Almost 3 years she endured a relationship where everything was a facade. She was like you are a robot just routinely going through the motions. Tanesha would walk in the room and her "man" would walk out. Tanesha would go upstairs and her "man" would go down. It got to such a point of familiarity and comfort on his part, that her "man" wasn't doing a damn thing but sitting on his behind and smoking weed all day with his friends.
When most of the time is spent with the friend rather than you, this is a sign.
If you are not happy... BE SMART AND GET OUT... There are some things that just wont change.
Tanesha got smart and finally got out.
However, Tanesha got into an even worst situation with her new “love”..
When you accept someone you have to accept the way they are... One cannot expect an immediate change, simply because you are now official. Remember if a person does not want to change his or her self, they will not. YOU CANNOT EXPECT TO CHANGE A PERSON!
Tanesha hooks up with Alejandro, and Alejandro was a hot head. Now when Tanesha first got with Alejandro, she knew there were some anger problems, but she figured that it was due to the environment that Alejandro was in. First mistake, things are as they are, not as you would like them to be. Making excuses for someone only allows them to behave in the same unacceptable ways, only with your blessing! Tanesha and Alejandro ended up getting pregnant.
Alejandro really had a bad temper and although he NEVER put his hands on Tanesha nor did he call her out her name... He ALWAYS took his aggression out on possessions.
From CDs to TVs, from computers to doors and windows... whatever you can think of, he broke.
I know at this point you are probably thinking, ”Well, she didn't get hit.” But did you know that this is known as the intimidation method? Did you know that a person does this to send a very clear, very distinct message - “This is what I can do to you?” Did you know that this was a form of domestic violence - a form of ABUSE?
If you are in a relationship and something is broken every time an argument ensues, and you have to lie to your friends and family about what actually happened to it, you are most likely in an abusive relationship. And if that person is a SOCIOPATH, then you will have to be very smart about the way you get out, if hopefully that is what you choose to do.
Once that abusive person realizes you are gone. That's it. You are no longer the love of their life. You are now the object of their obsession!
This person will then try EVERY tactic to get you back. From threatening you, to acting as though everything in them has changed for the better.
You know this person because you have been with them for however long. You know a portion if not all of that person’s capabilities. Another tactic of an abuser is isolation from friends, family members and loved ones. Abuse is control. And if you find yourself slowly being alienated from your support networks, I strongly advise to you is to GO...GO... GO... to them and re-establish your bonds, because if you need to get out suddenly, guess where you will be going?
If this person is someone you "LOVE" and they are abusing you, you need to redefine your notions of what love is. Don't you ever go through life thinking that this is all you deserve, or this is the way you should be treated, you know better and only make excuses because you are unwilling to deal with the real world.
PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Get Help and GET OUT!
I beg of you. Take heed to all that you read when it comes to abuse. Know that there is true love out there somewhere, but you have to want it, and take all the risks involved to find it. Start first with the perfect love of God, and then look towards the unconditional love of family.
And if you have kids.... THEY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU for getting them out and yourself of a situation that would have potentially harmed them.
Love not only with your heart, but LOVE with YOUR MIND!